Today I hid my cane and my walker in a far off corner so they wouldn’t remind me of my need for them. I lay in bed and hid my mind in sleep and listening to the “talking heads” of Cable news. Today the possibility of another loss was too much. Today I told God, that he can ask an awful lot of a person.
This morning I went to the DMV to renew my license and learned that since I had a cane with me and have a chronic illness, I have to have my doctors permission to keep on driving. He has to examine me and give me an okay or a “no-kay”. Though I am a cautious person who drives only when my body is safely able and though I have a perfect driving record, it is a doctor who will decide whether I have the right to take myself anywhere independently. He will decide whether I can legally pick my sick child up from school, drive to the near-by pharmacy to pick up medicine or to the local grocery store for a carton of milk. He will decide whether I can drive myself to visit a friend a few blocks away, and if ever needed, to take a loved one to the emergency room.
Tonight I am not thinking about the rights of the disabled or the fairness of this law. Tonight I only feel the weight of fear that because I am physically challenged someone else will decide my driving fate. Tonight I am keenly aware that just the possibility of losing my license, feels a bit like awaiting sentencing in a court of law. Will my freedom be taken away? Will the doors of this home I am so often bound too, be locked from the outside? Will the joy of driving out for a short errand on a strong-bodied day be taken away from me forever?
This possibility alone has overwhelmed me. I am finding my thoughts wandering to caged birds whose wings have been clipped. Tonight perhaps I will dream of cars with wide spread wings, soaring over rooftops.
((((((Kerry)))))),
I empathize with you. I experienced something similar. Had my license revoked for 9 months after I fell asleep driving Want to let you know I am glad you are venting. Too often we feel we need to put on a strong front and graciously accept each loss.
We need to remember the importance of acknowledging how we feel. We need to go though anger, depression, bargaining,..can’t remember the other one and of course we come to acceptance.
Each time something new happense we go through these steps again, each time it gets faster and the tendency of getting stuck diminishes. Each time we have to re-create ourself. We have to say goodbye to the old one and help to create the new person we have become.
I hope you have a doctor who knows you well and will be on your side. Though, we drive so little, just knowing we can go somewhere makes us feel better.
I pray that the decision made is in the best interest for you. Feeling a loss of control in any way due to our health is so difficult. Hang in there and keep us posted.
Vent away any time too.
I can identify so well with how you feel. I have not been able to drive since February of last year.
My license expired in August. I had hoped to be able to drive again before then but it was not to be. I remind myself how fortunate I am to have someone who loves me enough to run all those errands that I cannot.
I have three years to renew without retesting. So I have a new goal.
Sometimes I think about how I used to love driving at night with the windows down and the radio blasting. It always makes me cry a little. {{{hugs}}}