LEMON-AIDE

“I wish”, these are the words I’m working on expelling from my vocabulary.  Still after nearly twenty years of chronic illness, I find myself both thinking and saying “I wish I could do what I used to”, “I wish I was my old self”, “I wish I could do what I thought I’d be able to.”

Today, my oldest daughter is coming home from college for her first Christmas break.  I made a crock pot full of soup this morning.  She is tired of dorm food and looking forward to home cook meals again. I enjoyed making that soup; but that’s where I needed to stop. 

Instead…

I started cleaning and cleaning, until my body came to a full on HALT.  Now, there are swept up piles all over the floor that I’m too exhausted to sweep into the dustpan.  I’m lying on my bed overwhelmed by my physical state.  I talked to my hubby on the phone. “I wish” I said, “that I could be the mother I thought I’d be. I wish I could climb the stairs and make sure her room is warm and welcoming.  I wish I could have had the house pretty darn clean and have a home cooked meal ready.”  He reminded me that what I was wishing for is not what my daughter wants or needs. My daughter called from the airport while she awaited her flight and told me that if the house is dirty, she doesn’t have to spend her break worrying about keeping it clean. (Hmmm, nice for me and her huh?) What I heard from both of them is “let it go; nothing you are “wishing for” and ”worrying about”… matters.”

I have two new words I am working on incorporating into my vocabulary to replace “I wish”.  “I am!”  I am a mom who has more love in my heart for my kiddos than it can hold.  I have a crumby illness that teaches me to “let go” over and over again, and because it does, I stop like I am right now and think about what’s important.  Is a clean house more important than a mom with enough energy to drive along to the airport to pick her daughter up and give her a big smile and hug and who can listen to her stories all the way home?

Let’s see would I rather have someone I love clean their house for me or give me a hug and listen to my stories.  It’s a no brainer!  I’ll take the hug and smile with dust bunnies carpeting the floor and kitchen counters full of dirty dishes… any day!

No more wishing today.  I’m taking a deep breath, exhaling and feeling good that “I am”  I’m feeling gratitude swell that I have love to give and am loved unconditionally; whether I am at my sickest or functioning at my best, whether the house is clean, a mess or in between. 

Another hour of doing nothing but resting and recouping; then I’m going to recline in the passenger seat while my youngest daughter drives us to the airport to pick up her sister, who for the first time… is coming home for Christmas.  Now, I am smiling. I like these two little words, (three little letters), ”I am”.  “I am” and ”You are”…what else truly matters?